~To all the "Someone's"~

I was thinking about depression. Misery. Despair. Hopelessness. All those icky feelings. No one wants those feelings. No one is happy with those feelings. Our entire society is focused on eliminating those feelings through inspirational movies, books, and programs, "happy" pills and anti-depressants, "uplifting" music and messages, ect.... No one wants misery. Everyone wants happiness.

Everyone...right?

But I am someone who is not "everyone". And I know there are many other "someones" out there who are not "everyone", as well. So this is to all of those "someones".

You are in constant search of happiness. At least that's what you say. You yearn for that moment when you feel that things are right and "Life is good", yet you are secretly the most pleased when you are miserable and depressed because you feel that that's "The way things should be." It's almost like you don't believe you deserve that happiness, so you are more satisfied with the state of misery because you feel it's what ya' get. You don't believe you deserve that simple joy because you blame yourself. Blaming yourself is the easiest thing to do, and you've become quite good at it. Somewhere in that pretty little head of yours, you know it's not entirely your fault. Yet blaming and punishing yourself is somehow more comforting than searching for the true cause.

In some ways, your are invincible when you've reached that ultimate-low state. You are used to having so many things kill your joy, shatter your confidence, ruin your day, and crash your self-worth, all on a regular basis... but surely things can't possibly get any worse when you have already reached the lowest of lows, can they? When you start to slip into that abysmal state, it's as if you are slipping into your safety-suite. Your own safety-suite of protection and invincibility. You DARE anyone to try and mess with you now because you, Someone, are invincible! No one can possible hurt you because you are already hurt. No one can make you doubt yourself because you already doubt yourself. No one can call you "Ugly", "Fat", or "Worthless" because you have already done just that, three times today. No one can tell you that you aren't good enough, because you knew that. You can't be told that you're a disappointment, because you are well aware. No one can make you hate yourself because you started hating yourself long, long ago. You are numb.

Sometimes achieving this state takes hard work and effort. Sometimes you have to hurt yourself mentally with false blame and words of hate that sting like a chemical burn. Often it takes physical pain- the sharp pain in your stomach when it's been empty for days, or perhaps a self-inflicted bruise. Then sometimes you just get lucky and let "Misery" find you. You won't even know how you got there, but one second you were happy and the next second you fell. Far. The fall was all worth finally arriving there.

So why do you ever leave? Why leave that beautiful, numb, state? You know that you'll always come back, eventually. You know it's where you truly belong. So why do you ever attempt to gain "happiness" when deep inside you know it's not what you really want?


Maybe because even deeper inside, you know you are very sick. You are wrong. You need help, Someone. You need help.