Current Stats....

So, my stats as of the last time I weighed:

Height- 5'9''

Weight- 111lbs

Waist- 23.5''

Hips- 31''

Body Fat- 11%
Body Fat in lbs- 10.4lbs of fat (Just hanging on me right now. Ewe.)

BMI- 16.4

I am almost at my goal of 110lbs. When I get there, I will post pictures of myself (other than my icon- you can't really see me there). I decided that seeing those photos of the fat left on my body every day would push me to lose more.

Food journal for today:

Breakfast- Granola bar and diet Dr.Pepper (my true love)= 90 calories

Lunch- About half-a-can of Progresso Lightand another Diet Dr.Pepper = 80 calories

Dinner- The other half of soup, some sugar free Jello, and a couple more Diet Dr.Peppers (Hehe, guilty much) = 90 calories

Total= 260 calories

Utter Crisis

Okay, we have a major problem, people.

Scales are broken. I repeat, scales are broken.

(Probably because my arse is so freaking big)

So I haven't weighed myself since yesterday morning and it's really bothering me. I normally weigh myself app. 5-10 times I can't take this anymore. I'm going to go nuts because today we had a major snow storm and I won't be able to get out for a few days, which means I'll have to go who knows how long without scales! Seriously, I can't explain in words this feeling. I don't know....I feel like I'm in the dark. Have I gained? Have I lost? GAH!!!

Today. Yeah.

^ Man, my post titles are getting lame = / (Haha....I know you're thinking "getting"?)

So today was good. Very good, actually. So you know how I was all depressed about falling back and gaining a few pounds? Well in a matter of two days I got back to where I was and am now only two pounds from my goal. Yayness. = ] I was a good little girl today and ate a total of 210cals. That's really good for me. See, I'm not a hardcore friend of Ana. I don't fast- it never works. I'll talk about that later.

Another good thing is that all my punishment and discipline is starting to pay off. I have actually trained myself to be scared of food. Before I just told myself that I was afraid of it. Now I truly fear it. I had dinner tonight, alone, and had to MAKE myself eat it because I hate the full feeling in my stomach. It makes my heart-rate speed and it makes me start to sweat. The second my stomach starts to feel something inside and stops aching from hunger, I freak out. A million thoughts stream through my mind- Is there time to puke it up? Do I have time to run these calories off? How long will it take me to lose this weight I've just consumed? Should I give up?

See, normally, these are normal feelings of someone who just binged. Right? All normal. The thing is, the meal I ate for dinner was only 45calories. I freaked out over 45 little calories.

You know what is TRULY scary? The fact that I started that paragraph with "Another good thing....." Goodness help me.

Someone needs to stop me because I'm not going to stop myself. This is only going to get worse. Have I not made it obvious?! My bones show. I don't eat in front of people. I shake. I get cold. My stomach is louder than my voice is. My nails are blue, my skin is grey. I get dizzy sometimes. My hands and feet go numb. My BMI is 16., qualifying me as "anorexic". Why won't someone help me? My friends...my family...Do they love me? I know they do, but shouldn't they notice this? Don't they see? Do they even notice me? Someone needs to stop me. I need help.

If I am doing the things I'm doing and no one HONESTLY notices, then this obsession is where I belong. This is my true home.

~To all the "Someone's"~

I was thinking about depression. Misery. Despair. Hopelessness. All those icky feelings. No one wants those feelings. No one is happy with those feelings. Our entire society is focused on eliminating those feelings through inspirational movies, books, and programs, "happy" pills and anti-depressants, "uplifting" music and messages, ect.... No one wants misery. Everyone wants happiness.

Everyone...right?

But I am someone who is not "everyone". And I know there are many other "someones" out there who are not "everyone", as well. So this is to all of those "someones".

You are in constant search of happiness. At least that's what you say. You yearn for that moment when you feel that things are right and "Life is good", yet you are secretly the most pleased when you are miserable and depressed because you feel that that's "The way things should be." It's almost like you don't believe you deserve that happiness, so you are more satisfied with the state of misery because you feel it's what ya' get. You don't believe you deserve that simple joy because you blame yourself. Blaming yourself is the easiest thing to do, and you've become quite good at it. Somewhere in that pretty little head of yours, you know it's not entirely your fault. Yet blaming and punishing yourself is somehow more comforting than searching for the true cause.

In some ways, your are invincible when you've reached that ultimate-low state. You are used to having so many things kill your joy, shatter your confidence, ruin your day, and crash your self-worth, all on a regular basis... but surely things can't possibly get any worse when you have already reached the lowest of lows, can they? When you start to slip into that abysmal state, it's as if you are slipping into your safety-suite. Your own safety-suite of protection and invincibility. You DARE anyone to try and mess with you now because you, Someone, are invincible! No one can possible hurt you because you are already hurt. No one can make you doubt yourself because you already doubt yourself. No one can call you "Ugly", "Fat", or "Worthless" because you have already done just that, three times today. No one can tell you that you aren't good enough, because you knew that. You can't be told that you're a disappointment, because you are well aware. No one can make you hate yourself because you started hating yourself long, long ago. You are numb.

Sometimes achieving this state takes hard work and effort. Sometimes you have to hurt yourself mentally with false blame and words of hate that sting like a chemical burn. Often it takes physical pain- the sharp pain in your stomach when it's been empty for days, or perhaps a self-inflicted bruise. Then sometimes you just get lucky and let "Misery" find you. You won't even know how you got there, but one second you were happy and the next second you fell. Far. The fall was all worth finally arriving there.

So why do you ever leave? Why leave that beautiful, numb, state? You know that you'll always come back, eventually. You know it's where you truly belong. So why do you ever attempt to gain "happiness" when deep inside you know it's not what you really want?


Maybe because even deeper inside, you know you are very sick. You are wrong. You need help, Someone. You need help.

Sooo....

(Wow- a new follower! That makes a grand total of.....3!!! Dude, I'm like, famous now! Tehe = P)

So, not much has changed over the past few days I've been gone. Oh yeah, except I'm a cow now.

I was doing great- better than EVER. I was only 4lbs away from my ultimate goal, then I had this public dinner-thing to go to and I had to eat publicly there. Then I had another lunch-thing, so I had to eat some there. I took too long and missed my chance to purge it all, so I had to sit there and wallow in those calories. I felt so guilty over that, that I felt like I had already screwed it all up and started eating again.

Blah-blah-blah, gained 3lbs, got depressed, blah-blah-blah, now I'm back where I started.

I have had only 180cals today and plan to eat 45 more for dinner. I'm not allowing myself to weigh until tonight because I know if I weigh now I'll get too upset. Never in my life did I think I'd be this afraid of something as inanimate as "scales". Honestly, my heart rate speeds when I so much as THINK about weighing right now.

Lately here I've been really curious of how I'm doing. Like, I eat only 225cals in a day- Is that good? Is that ammateur? What about my weight....do I even qualify as an "anorexic"? If we're going by BMI, yeah. But what about looks? I wish I had someone to talk to and compare things with. I think that's what my goal was when I created this blog, but I didn't have much luck. I want someone to share this evil, beautiful thing with and can't find anyone.

I'm quite lonely....

Today.

(^Wow, my subjects are getting more lame as we speak!)

So today was...well, a day. Not particularly good, not particularly bad. Just....a'ight. ; )

I went to class, listened to some boring people talk, and came home. Got picked on about my eating habits....which stinks because I suppose it's a noticeable thing now. Not cool at all. When did it all turn in to this? One day, I was a normal 17-year-old chick who was rather insecure and played around with an "eating-disorder" and laughed at myself when that phase was over. Now it's like it consumes me.

Like today, I found out the class was going to have dinner at a cool restaurant this weekend. Now, normally I'd be pretty psyched because my parents said I could go. See, I'm on a very short leash: I'm not allowed to do much, nor do I really ask to do much. I don't really date, don't really go out w/ friends, don't like "shopping!" and "omg, boys!!!", ect... My closest friends are family (cousins, ect...) and I'd rather chill at home with my peeps than go out. I don't get in trouble or sneak around or anything...never have really tried. Sooo, the fact that I get to go out to a girls' dinner for the weekend would normally be pretty exciting. You know why it's not?- Food. I have to eat. I can't eat just a salad without people noticing, and that's making me not want to even go.


I'm ruining myself.

Bad day...

(My title makes me think of that over-played Daniel Powter song = P)

The title's true. I messed up today. BIG time. Had a family dinner today and had to eat a roll and two spoons of lima beans. Then after I messed up then, I couldn't stop. I messed up big time....

*Sigh*... I was doing so well. I was down to 111lbs and bmi of 16.5. Why'd I have to go screw it up? See, I have a bad habit: If I mess up and eat, say, a pudding cup- a normal person would be like "Whoops, I shouldn't have done that. To make up for that, I won't eat anything else today." But ME, the CRAZY person, says "Crap. The day is ruined. I'm not skinny anymore. May as well eat more now that you've already bummed the day." and I eat another.

Man....I feel like a failure right now. Kinda feel like crying. This full feeling in my stomach is the feeling of someone who can't control themselves. The feeling of average. The feeling of fat.


Stay strong and learn from my screw-ups.

Me.

Brownies must be in cahoots with the devil.

I screwed up today. Started out good: 45 cals for breakfast, 90 cals for lunch, 90 cals for dinner. Then it went down hill from there: I wanted something sweet. My sister bought me a brownie. I only ate 1/4 of it, and I know that had to be about 100-120 cals. = / It was from Fresh Market and it was amazingly evil. I wasn't going to eat it, but I opened the fridge and it gave me puppy-dog eyes and said "Please, Torr....Please lub me. Please eateth me....I can't survive much longer. Me swears I won't make you fat. Me swears!!!"

So I ate 1/4 of it. And it was delicious. Nuff said.

I'm down to 112 today, though I doubt that'll last after my little situation above. So far I've lost eight pounds since Tuesday....I'm pretty happy about that.

I was laying on the ground watching tv this evening and I overheard my dad say something to my sister. He said I looked like a (quote) "Little Ethiopian." and kind of laughed. Then he told me to make a sad face and look hungry so I'd look like the kids on the commercials. In one way this excited me. In another, it freaked me out because no one, I repeat NO ONE has a clue about me and my eating habits. My family has never acted as though they suspected it or questioned me about it or anything. I guess I'm just good at hiding it, but this just occurred to me:

I can hide eating habits all I want, but I can't hide weight loss.

Bollocks.

Anyway, now I feel almost full for the first time in days and it's really depressing me. I want to puke it all up, but I think I've waited too long now. Ugh....I need to get rid of this. I may have to spend the evening working out.

Stay strong and learn from my mistakes today, friend.
Me.

Feeling weak....just needed this.

Stay strong. You're not alone. You have Ana.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Nothing.

No pound is worth taste.

You are better than food. You don't need it.

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN FOOD.

You will not give in to food, like the average people. Because you are better. You have Ana by your side, and you are not alone.

STAY STRONG. DON'T GIVE UP NOW.

Damn soup....

Yeah, so I hear a small soup is 140cals and a large is like, 200cals. I asked for a small, but that was one large small. More like a smarge. Ah, that term pretty much sums me up: I'm smarge. = /

The little buggar that screwed me over >

Big-Mouthed Stomach

So my total weight loss for the past four days (Started Tuesday) is 8lbs. I could get used to this whole -2lbs-a-day thing. My bmi's down to 16.8. Something to smile about.

I was weak today, though. I took my grandma out to eat and had to eat something in front of her. I ate a small chicken soup at Chik-Fil-A. I now must go and google that to see it's caloric value. (Yeah, that's right- I google. Whacha gonna do 'b0ut it? o_O) On top of that, my mom brought me some Woppers, aka, one of my favorite candies ever. So I had to eat three in front of her to be nice, and that was about 33cals.

You know, so far I haven't had any major effects/problems with this whole deal over the years. You get better at hiding things and better at faking things. But you know what I discovered to be an uber big problem? > Annoyingly loud stomachs. I'll be sitting in class and can't get it to freakin shut up!

Later peeps.

(^And yes, I literally mean "peeps" because I now have two followers. I am famous now! Tehe.)

Lovely day, crappy results.

So I went to class this morning at 7am. Ate a 45 cal rice cake for breakfast (I can't skip breakfast when I get up that early or I'll be puking by noon!) then a 90 cal granola bar for lunch. I had a long day, and all day I was dying to get to scales. I had to know where I stood....

Got home at 6pm, stripped down, stepped on the scale and- down just a pound. I ate way more than this a couple days ago and dropped two pounds, so what the heck is up with this?!?! I only ate 135 cals and that's all I get? Major suckage = / I'm gonna go pee and weigh again.... Mua-ha-ha-haaa!

Anyway, my bmi is down to 16.9 now. I was dying to get below 17, so I'm happy about that. My body fat is 11.2%. The scales say that's low, but I don't really know what's normal anyway = P I look in the mirror and am happy with what I see- from the hips up, I look rather emaciated. Ya know, bones protruding, ribs stick out further than anything else, ect.... all that shkinny jazz. But once you pass my hips, it's like everything melted down to my bum and thighs. It's gross. It's what keeps me from looking perfect.

Well, I'm going to go shut up now. Later taters.

Stay strong, be thin, be perfect.

Sincerely,
Me

More thoughts....

Sup, peeps? (Haha, I just laughed at myself a bit for adressing all of my entries to "people", yet I don't think I've had a single reader. Ah, heck- just humor me!)

So my day went well today, food-wise. I did good and didn't pass 300cals. So now I'm feeling like doing a little happy dance about now. See? That's what I don't get... Everyone associates anorexia and eating dissorders with depression. But for me, it IS my happiness. I'm not happy without it. When I'm at my most depressed, it's when I'm eating normally, like a pig.

When I feel that sharp pain of hunger in my stomache, I smile and am instantly in a good mood. It's gotta be the most comforting thing in the world to know that that is the feeling of thin, and you are indulging in it. The more it hurts, the happier I am. However, when my stomache feels tight and full, I feel like crying. I can just feel those fat, disgusting, evil, calories seeping from my stomache to ever part of me, filling my skin with fat. I become quiet, withdrawn, and feel like hitting something. Anything. I feel like a failure.

So who has a right to say I'm unhappy because I don't eat? I am starving and I am happy. I am happier than I've been in a very, very long time.

Thin is a synonym for happy, I've decided.

Evil brownies, favorite shows, and lies...

Ah....Today I weighed myself and have been smaller than I've been for about a year. Big happy face = D hehe.

I had a rice cake for breakfast and lunch (45cals) and then I screwed up. I ate a brownie-bite. I just wanted sugar and gum wouldn't cut it. I know it's not a big deal because I'm still sticking to the >500 cals a day thing and the brownie was probably about 100cals, but it just sucks that I blew that many calories on a stupid brownie. Stupid evil brownie....it totally took advantage of me because it just knew I was a jolly fat child on the inside = P

I am watching ANTM today, aka- my favorite show ever, and that is a major trigger. It always is. So much so, that when I was "getting better" I refused to watch it. Shandi was my favorite and always managed to make me feeel bad about myself- She was two inches taller than me and still 8lbs under me. So not fair.

My mom is calling me for dinner and I'm trying to think of a way to get out of it. She was with me all day and knows that I should be hungry by now, so I can't play the "I'm not hungry" card. Maybe I'll say I'm sick. Nah, I think I'm going to say that I'm waiting 'til my sister gets home.

Later, taters ; )

More thoughts for the night...

Today was a good day. I ate a 90cal. granola bar for breakfast, lunch, and then had some broccoli for dinner. That's a totaly of 300 calories, which is good for me in an entire day. I chewed gum like crazy and drank a countless number of diet Dr.Pepper, my true love. Tehe.

I got on the the scales tonight to find that I dropped four pounds since yesterday morning. Of course, it's always fast in the beginning, but still- it's enough to give me that high. Ah, that high...that amazing feeling when your head feels like you spun around a few times too fast; That feeling of your heart literally fluttering; the feeling of such happiness that you almost have to cover your mouth because you realized you were instantly smiling; That sense of accomplishment, success, and in some ways, defeat. Damn...I love that high.

You know, I've never really done drugs but I know that that feeling they speak of has to be close to this. I love the beginning of a weight-drop, because that high comes so often and so fast.... I step on the scale to see that my weight is down a pound from an hour ago, and I get a high. I sneak away to flush untouched food down the toilet and I get a high. I successfully vomit all of what I ate for dinner and I get that high. I wake up with a sharp pain in my stomache and ESPECIALLY get that high. I read about an "anorexic" celeb in the tabloids and see that my weight/height is lesser or equal to hers, and I get that high. I look in the mirror and see ribs and get high. I see that my thighs don't touch when my feet are together, and that only adds to it all. A friend makes a remark about me needing to "put on some weight" and I get high. I stand up and have to sit back down out of hunger-dizziniess, and I get that lovely "dizzy" high.

It's an amazing feeling that used to scare me, but it doesn't any more. You just sort of fall in love with it all.

I'll shut up now. Hehe, I'm getting a bit dramatic.

Have a lovely night.

First time for everything....

So, this is a blog, I suppose.... I've never really "blogged" before, so pardon me if I'm no good at it.

I'm going to just get right down to it and avoid any fancy introductions and simply own up to why I'm hear: I'm sick of the on/off cycle. I want to stay at this once and for all and I feel that if I somehow "confess" everything online, it will guilt me into staying with it.

This "on/off" cycle I speak of is me and my eating disorder. Man...it feels lovely and evil at the same time to have just said that aloud. "My eating disorder". It's been my best friend and my worst enemy for about four years now. I go for months hardly eating and losing pounds by the day, than I step back and say "You idiot. What are you even trying to do?" and eat normally for a month or so. Then I look in the mirror, see the evidence of "health" and start all over again. Ugh...."health"...I hate that look.

I think this blog is going to be good for me. I think it will help me accomplish big things. My journey starts tonight, 6lbs away from my goal.

Thank you for joining me. I like company.