Sooo....

(Wow- a new follower! That makes a grand total of.....3!!! Dude, I'm like, famous now! Tehe = P)

So, not much has changed over the past few days I've been gone. Oh yeah, except I'm a cow now.

I was doing great- better than EVER. I was only 4lbs away from my ultimate goal, then I had this public dinner-thing to go to and I had to eat publicly there. Then I had another lunch-thing, so I had to eat some there. I took too long and missed my chance to purge it all, so I had to sit there and wallow in those calories. I felt so guilty over that, that I felt like I had already screwed it all up and started eating again.

Blah-blah-blah, gained 3lbs, got depressed, blah-blah-blah, now I'm back where I started.

I have had only 180cals today and plan to eat 45 more for dinner. I'm not allowing myself to weigh until tonight because I know if I weigh now I'll get too upset. Never in my life did I think I'd be this afraid of something as inanimate as "scales". Honestly, my heart rate speeds when I so much as THINK about weighing right now.

Lately here I've been really curious of how I'm doing. Like, I eat only 225cals in a day- Is that good? Is that ammateur? What about my weight....do I even qualify as an "anorexic"? If we're going by BMI, yeah. But what about looks? I wish I had someone to talk to and compare things with. I think that's what my goal was when I created this blog, but I didn't have much luck. I want someone to share this evil, beautiful thing with and can't find anyone.

I'm quite lonely....