^ Man, my post titles are getting lame = / (Haha....I know you're thinking "getting"?)
So today was good. Very good, actually. So you know how I was all depressed about falling back and gaining a few pounds? Well in a matter of two days I got back to where I was and am now only two pounds from my goal. Yayness. = ] I was a good little girl today and ate a total of 210cals. That's really good for me. See, I'm not a hardcore friend of Ana. I don't fast- it never works. I'll talk about that later.
Another good thing is that all my punishment and discipline is starting to pay off. I have actually trained myself to be scared of food. Before I just told myself that I was afraid of it. Now I truly fear it. I had dinner tonight, alone, and had to MAKE myself eat it because I hate the full feeling in my stomach. It makes my heart-rate speed and it makes me start to sweat. The second my stomach starts to feel something inside and stops aching from hunger, I freak out. A million thoughts stream through my mind- Is there time to puke it up? Do I have time to run these calories off? How long will it take me to lose this weight I've just consumed? Should I give up?
See, normally, these are normal feelings of someone who just binged. Right? All normal. The thing is, the meal I ate for dinner was only 45calories. I freaked out over 45 little calories.
You know what is TRULY scary? The fact that I started that paragraph with "Another good thing....." Goodness help me.
Someone needs to stop me because I'm not going to stop myself. This is only going to get worse. Have I not made it obvious?! My bones show. I don't eat in front of people. I shake. I get cold. My stomach is louder than my voice is. My nails are blue, my skin is grey. I get dizzy sometimes. My hands and feet go numb. My BMI is 16., qualifying me as "anorexic". Why won't someone help me? My friends...my family...Do they love me? I know they do, but shouldn't they notice this? Don't they see? Do they even notice me? Someone needs to stop me. I need help.
If I am doing the things I'm doing and no one HONESTLY notices, then this obsession is where I belong. This is my true home.
Hun.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all *hugs*
Your blog entry today is worrying, I just want to say that perhaps people do notice, but are afraid to say anything.
Second of all it is a good sign that you do realise what you are doing.
And finally, if you need help (which you do) and want help (this I am not sure of) then sometimes the only thing to do is ask for it. Go see a doctor, or a counsellor or a family membor or a teacher or anyone you can trust. And ask for help, and if they don't listen, keep asking people until you find someone who does. Because believe me you are a beautiful intelligent young girl who has her whole life ahead of her and yuo deserve to be happy. truly happy. If you cant ask someone then maybe print of a blog entry and give it to them, or give them a link. your words on here say a lot.
Just think about what I've said, recovery is scary, but it is worth it ultimately.
ILY
xxxx
Thanks for your words, love- I don't think you know how much this means to me.
ReplyDeleteI just typed out a reply, realized how dreadfully long it was, deleted it, and decided to take you up on the email thing.