Sup, peeps? (Haha, I just laughed at myself a bit for adressing all of my entries to "people", yet I don't think I've had a single reader. Ah, heck- just humor me!)
So my day went well today, food-wise. I did good and didn't pass 300cals. So now I'm feeling like doing a little happy dance about now. See? That's what I don't get... Everyone associates anorexia and eating dissorders with depression. But for me, it IS my happiness. I'm not happy without it. When I'm at my most depressed, it's when I'm eating normally, like a pig.
When I feel that sharp pain of hunger in my stomache, I smile and am instantly in a good mood. It's gotta be the most comforting thing in the world to know that that is the feeling of thin, and you are indulging in it. The more it hurts, the happier I am. However, when my stomache feels tight and full, I feel like crying. I can just feel those fat, disgusting, evil, calories seeping from my stomache to ever part of me, filling my skin with fat. I become quiet, withdrawn, and feel like hitting something. Anything. I feel like a failure.
So who has a right to say I'm unhappy because I don't eat? I am starving and I am happy. I am happier than I've been in a very, very long time.
Thin is a synonym for happy, I've decided.
Hey hun,
ReplyDeletefound your blog today and decided to follow it. I have eating problems too. EDNOS rather than ana or mia. I still identify with all you have said. Is that you in the photo?